Day 24: Toddler TMI

Courtesy of Rachel Mathew Photography

Last Friday was just an all-around great day.  I feel so blessed on the days when my life is enriched with family time and small accomplishments.  I had just finished cleaning the house and was playing on the living room floor with Hana when my husband came home from work that evening.  He was tired and I didn't feel like cooking so we decided to make good use of an Applebee's gift card we received for Christmas.

We were seated at the booth closest to the bathroom and kitchen, which is not really our ideal place to sit but it's the best seat in the house to Hana.  Like most toddlers, Hana is an unreserved social butterfly and she is always very eager connect to with people everywhere we go.  I love watching the varying reactions from people when Hana innocently breaches their comfort zones.  

As Hana sat in her high chair at the end of our table, she started to notice the traffic of people moving to and fro behind her.  In an attempt to get smiles or reactions, she started yelling at each passerby, "Hey ... hi ... hi!"  Some people would smile and respond, while others gave an almost annoyed side glance and kept walking toward their destination.  While I always want to make sure that Hana is on her best behavior, I also never want to deny her something that is natural and innocent.  I feel out the situation and if she's not being too loud I let her jibber jabber away.

As we ate dinner, she was able to get some short conversations out of old ladies and waitresses, but the patrons at a nearby table seemed put off by her attempts to connect with them.  At one point, Hana twisted around to greet another passerby and somehow squeezed out some trapped gas rather loudly.  Immediately following her string of flatulence, Hana announced, "Ma, I poop!  I poop!"  I could feel the cold stares coming from our neighboring table shooting through me as I painfully held in my rolling laughter.  Again, I never deny her what is natural and innocent ... at least until she's old enough to understand social parameters.

Guilt

I started the week allowing memories of past failures to haunt my heart.  Guilt is such a wretched feeling and can be so destructive to our faith.  However, God allowed it to enter my life this week for the very purpose of furthering His glory in me.  In my search for rest in the Lord, I found myself reading the promise in Romans 8:37-39:

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It was such a blessing to receive that promise, putting my heart at rest and peace in God's powerful love and redemption.  However, I didn't even understand the full purpose of this verse in the day I read it.  Hours later, God brought it back to my mind and urged me to share it with a young friend who was struggling with fresh wounds of regret and guilt.  

God is so good!  He allowed me to enter a place of guilt for the very purpose of reminding me that we are more than conquerors through Him and that nothing can separate us from His love.  The eternal benefit of this journey is amazing ... He let me become a vessel to carry this message to someone in extreme need of it.  What an honor that we are ambassadors of God's love and salvation! 

Such As These Week 4: The Condensed Version

This past week, I've been an unfaithful blogger ... and I'm blogging about parenting my little girl, nonetheless.  Way to shovel another layer onto the already existent pile of mommy guilt!  I guess I feel a little self-redemption for the fact that my focus has fully shifted to her and my home this week.  In light of that, I'll just give a recap of the week:

Saturday, Day 18:  While my husband was out of town most of the afternoon and evening, Hana and I had our first girl's movie night in.  We played with puzzles and ate cookies while watching Dumbo.

Sunday, Day 19:  Hana got to sit in on her first Breadenfish meeting.  We outlined curriculum goals on our laptops while she played with her Playdough.  She concluded the meeting by throwing numerous wads of Playdough at us ...

Monday, Day 20:  The post-party, post-headcold, post-stomach flu state of our home prompted me to do cleaning.  Always the cheerful helper, Hana assisted in picking up her toys and returning them to her toy baskets, and then she cheerfully dumped them all out.  Upon seeing my reaction, the expression on her face read something like this:  "That was the point of the task, right?"

Tuesday, Day 21:  We went to grandma's house to visit with "mawmaw", "pawpaw" and "Racho."  Hana also adopted a new, fun past-time: dumping oversized stuffed animals onto my mom's toy poodle as he sleeps.

serious bed-head

Wednesday, Day 22:  Hana spent some of the day playing at her cousin's house.  She almost begged me to put her to bed that evening.  As I was changing her diaper, I just started praying for her aloud, asking the Lord to bless her and give her a peaceful sleep.  Right as I was about to close my prayer, Hana says, "Amen."

Thursday, Day 23:  Hana woke up with some serious bed-head and an attitude to match.  She did not want milk!  She did not want a diaper change!  She did not want anything ... so it seemed.  As I sat on the couch flipping through the DVR to find her "show, show mickey," Hana drags a blanket over to me and says, "Mama, cuckle."  She didn't want anything but for me to cuddle her!  I took my independent toddler up on her request and we "cuckled" for a good thirty minutes.

Day 17: The Pitter Patter of Sticky Feet

Friday almost always fills me with an emotional combination of relief and exhaustion.  On one hand, I'm excited for the weekend, spending time as a family and working on our projects.  While on the other hand, I'm almost useless when it comes having fun.  Yesterday, I felt that sense of physical weariness, but my heart also felt weary and worn.  Despite my hard work all week, I still had bills to pay, piles dishes to wash, sticky floors to clean, projects to finish, and an active toddler to keep up with.

Finding a spot of quiet time to myself, I felt my heart needing a Word from the Lord about restoration.  I did a word search in the back of my Bible and read through all the verses that included the words restore and restoration.  Out all of them, this one really stood out to me: "Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (Psalm 51:12 NIV)  

I read in a commentary that the context of David's request is a twofold desire for restoration of the heart and support through the Spirit.  Sometimes a weary heart just needs to have a restored joy in the Lord.  Being a parent can become emotionally exhausting and each parent has different challenges, depending on the factors of their home environment.  But, ultimately, we are divinely appointed to care for, discipline and nurture our children.  For that task, we need constant restoration when we are weary, willingness when we are frustrated, and support when the weight becomes too strong.  

With my heart restored, I decided to stop striving.  I needed that Word to put my strength to the most important task.  I put the bills aside, let the pile of dishes sit, joyfully walked on my sticky floors, put my projects to rest, and chased my active toddler around the house.

Day 15: All The Small Things

Preparing for dinner often becomes the greatest source of drama in our house.  It usually takes this course: my husband gets home, I am making dinner, Hana is hungry, he wants to talk about his day, Hana becomes slightly jealous, and eventually it ends with our hungry, cranky girl having a meltdown in the middle of the kitchen floor.  It's times like this when the little things REALLY do matter.  

My husband is so intuitive and self-sacrificing.  Witnessing this chain of events about to unfold this evening, he scooped Hana up to give her some much needed attention and play time. Before I knew it, he and Hana were sitting at the table playing with her new Playdough, which was a recent birthday gift for her from my cousin.  I'm so thankful for my husband who always  acknowledges the little things and knows when to take time with our little one.

Day 14: Simple Love

The month of February is a very sentimental month for Josh and me.  On February 16th of 2007, we went on our first date.  We had mutual friends in high school, but had been out of touch since my graduation in 2000.  Near the end of 2006, I received a Myspace friend request from Josh and I accepted the request, thinking nothing of it.  Little did I know, it was his first step to getting back in touch with me.  A month passed and he sent me a message asking to hang out with a group of friends.  Looking back on it now, there is such a sweetness to the way he pursued a platonic relationship just so that he could get to know me.  He definitely pulled a fast one though, staging a "group" hang out that turned into a one on one dinner.  

With no expectations, anxiety or preoccupation, I met my friend for dinner, but by the end of the evening we both knew we were meant to be more than friends.  We were married five months later. We spent the first two years as a couple, getting pregnant by surprise in late Spring 2009.  Our little Hana had a March 2010 due date and by the end of January we were hustling to prepare for her arrival, decorating her nursery and hosting the baby shower in our home.  Amidst the busyness, I came down with bronchitis, which quickly turned into pneumonia-like symptoms.  My primary care physician called in antibiotics and an inhaler, and I thought I was on the mend so I continued working and busying myself with preparing for the baby.  

On February 11th of 2010, Josh and I met at the doctor's office for my 36 week check-up and ultrasound during our lunch hours, anticipating Hana's first 4D ultrasound.  I remember feeling fatigued, weak and out of breath due to my respiratory sickness, but I was unaware that my body was seriously dehydrated.  During the ultrasound, the sonographer realized that Hana was sitting in an amniotic sac with no fluid and wasn't receiving any blood through the umbilical cord.  Although we had no way of tracking how long she had been without fluid and blood, the fetal heart monitor picked up a slow but steady heart rate.  I was rushed rushed into an emergency c-section and by God's grace gave birth to Hana that afternoon, who came out quiet but strong.

Hana spent two weeks in the NICU fighting off jaundice and gaining an appetite.  God blessed us with the ability to be present for almost every one of her feedings.  I'll never forget watching her sweet, big, blue eyes when she would look up at me.  For a preemie, she had a strong, serious stare and her seriousness cracked up the nurses.  She was just so little!  She could practically swim in her preemie clothes!  

We spent that Valentine's Day in the hospital with Hana.  While February already carried a sense of nostalgia for us, Hana's birth created a sentiment beyond words.  Overjoyed with thankfulness and love, I kept finding myself reminded of this verse, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us..."  That verse comes out of 1 John 4:10-12 and it reads:

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

We are so blessed to be chosen and loved by God, our Father!  I am so thankful to live inside His love and to be able to extend His love through me.  Josh, Hana and myself complete His love every day by doing the simple things.  Love is only extravagant when it is shown in the simplest and purest of ways.  

Day 13: Thankful

In the days following Hana's birthday party, I have spent some time writing out thank you notes.  I am finding Hana's birthdays and Christmases to be so humbling because our family showers her with gifts and attention.  It is so wonderful to watch her enjoy her new toys and treats, but it is even better to watch people love on her.  It's crazy how when people are loving towards our daughter, Josh and I feel the extension of that love.  It really is humbling and such a blessing to be a part of such joy.

Day 12: The Midnight Watch

Last night, the effects of Hana's cold seemed to be dying down.  She went to bed gladly without crying and quickly fell into a deep sleep.  Then, at around two in the morning, I woke up to hear her whimpering in her crib.  As I was pulling my covers off to go check on her, I heard her begin to gag and choke.  I ran to her crib and realized she was vomiting, so I placed her on her hands and knees in the crib to keep her from aspirating.  When it seemed as though she was done, I started to clean her up and pull the sheets off her bed.  As soon as I had gotten her into a fresh set of pajamas and her bedding changed, I laid her down and the process started all over again within seconds.  That's when I decided to bring her into bed with me so that I could keep a better watch on her.  

Once in our bed, I laid towels underneath her and placed a large bowl near the bed ... just to be fully prepared.  By that time, she had woken up slightly but was ready to go back to sleep.  I laid at a safe distance, caressing her fine hair and rubbing her little, soft back.  She opened her eyes, studying my face for a few seconds, and then began grinning from cheek to cheek.  She pulled herself up to look me face to face, with her button nose about two inches from mine, and she stated, "Mama, I two."  As she held up her thumb and index finger, trying to make a two, I said, "Yes, you're a big girl."  Then, she leaned in to give me a kiss on the lips, rolled over and fell fast asleep.  I am so thankful I brought her to bed with me ... for more reasons than one!

Day 11: Birthday Parties & Runny Noses

Hana's second birthday party was this weekend and our house was plastered with images of Elmo.  From the Elmo birthday cake to the Pin The Nose On The Elmo game, Hana walked through the house as if in some sort of Sesame Street wonderland.  However, her shrill exclamations of pure joy were followed by episodes of little raspy coughs ... less than ideal for a birthday party scenario.  

While we were on the mend and non-contagious, the dragging, left over effects of our virus were evident to everyone around us.  Between Hana's constantly runny nose and my old lady cackle, I can imagine that our loved ones were leery to come too close.  But despite our lingering sickness, everything seemed to run without a hitch.  We had a wonderful time with our family, talking, laughing and catching up.  

Our sincerest gratitude to everyone who traveled and were able to take time out of their Saturday to eat Elmo cake with us!  We feel so blessed to have such caring, supportive and involved people to call our family and friends.

Days 8-10: Duplos & Discipline

As I mentioned in a previous blog, our family has been under the weather lately.  As a result of being sick with Hana, I have witnessed the difference between her toddler immunity and my almost thirty immunity.  I'm turning thirty this year and nothing comes as easily as it did just five years ago.  Let's put it this way, the process of losing ten pounds can be compared to the challenge of climbing the Matterhorn.  Similarly, when I come down with the respiratory flu, it takes a tone of sleep, around the clock doses of cough medicine, and eventually antibiotics to bring me back to life.  

This respiratory flu took Hana down for about three days, while it's taking me almost a week.  She just can't understand why mommy is lying on the couch all day, dropping in and out of consciousness, while she's running around.  She keeps asking me to take her outside or to chase her around the house.  It's been pretty hard on her since I'm her primary playmate during the day.  Within the last couple of days, I have watched her confusion and frustration turn into disobedience and tantrums.  

When talking above a whisper sends me into an exhausting coughing spell, the last thing I want to do is discipline Hana while she is kicking and screaming.  Honestly, my first inclination is to spank her and put her down for a nap ... but that does nothing except make her feel alienated from me.  Discipline is so important, but I feel that sometimes swift discipline fails to address real issues.  

Obviously she is too young to "talk it out", so sometimes I have to tune in to her queues in order to read the context of the issue.  In the case of today, she wanted to run and play with me, but I wasn't feeling up to it.  She responded by screaming and throwing all of her Duplo blocks across the floor in a fit of rage, and she made sure to catch a glimpse in my direction when she was done.  The first thing that came to my mind was, "Spank her."  However, within a split second, I knew that wasn't the solution in this situation.  I sat down next to her and said, "Hana, what a mess.  We don't throw blocks.  Let's clean up."  As I picked up the blocks with her, I could see her frustration dissolve into relief and peacefulness.  

Day 7: Lullaby Baby

After a series of thunderstorms within the past month, Hana has become more aware of the thunderstorm scare factor, whereas she was hardly even effected by it before.  In the past, midnight storm sirens were exciting and interesting.  From what Hana could understand, thunder, lightning and sirens were her ticket to spending an hour in the bathroom raiding the toilet paper and cotton balls.  However, something changed within the last month.  It was almost as if she began to realize fear, as opposed to staring it in the face with a sense of wonder and innocent awe.  

Since her realization of fear, we have encountered many sleepless nights.  Soon after the biggest storm, Hana began having night terrors, which are somewhat typical for toddlers to experience.  In addition to the night terrors, she adopted a fear of the dark.  It seems that the fear of the dark sparked other forms of anxiety.  She will no longer walk into a dark room alone.  "Scared" is a new word in her vocabulary, while it wasn't even an emotion within her understanding just a month ago.

As parents, we found ourselves wanting more than anything to remedy her feelings of anxiety.  One night, in an effort to comfort our scared, half asleep baby, we brought her into bed with us.  We quickly realized co-sleeping should never be introduced to a toddler!  So scrapped that and went for the traditional sleep ritual approach.  It seemed to work somewhat, but she really just seemed to be working on us.  Her sleep ritual became a game time, where she was the one in control of the situation.  

We were becoming desperate for a solution to Hana's sleep anxiety when I realized we were just putting band-aids on the boo-boo!  Hana's issue couldn't be solved with a new nightlight, sleep sounds machine, or favorite stuffed animal!  The route of her anxiety was insecurity.  In the same way that she learned to be afraid of the dark, she could learn to overcome her fear by facing it.  

We have started taking turns lulling Hana into a relaxed, peaceful state by praying for her aloud, scratching her back as she lays in her crib.  She needs that contact, but she also needs to sink into her bed rather than sinking into our arms.  After she's awake but on her way to sleep, I'll say to her, "I'm going to turn go turn on your music. Good night."  As I head into the living room to turn on her iTunes acoustic lullabies album, I'll hear her say, "Mama, night."  She is completely secure knowing that, although we are near, she can handle this on her own.  

Days 5-6: Dirty Cheerios

Recently, I read that two years old is the around the age that empathy enters a toddlers emotions.  Hana's second birthday is around the corner and I am beginning to see the evidence of this theory.  I started feeling flu-like symptoms on Sunday, which became a full blown head cold with body aches, a fever, chills, and a pounding headache by Monday.  I laid on the couch most of the day, sipping on hot tea and falling in and out of sleep.  I was so pathetic that my little toddler even noticed my poor state.  

As I lay deliriously on the couch, I woke up to Hana trying to shove Cheerios in my mouth.  She bent down slightly, just enough to look me in the eyes, and asked, "Mama, kay?"  She was concerned about me!  My little toddler who loves to hit me over the head with toys just to watch my reaction!  She then proceeded to nurse me back to life, feeding me Cheerios one by one.  It took me about a minute to realize I hadn't given her any Cheerios.  Hana had managed to scrounge up a handful of run away cereal in the unswept, dirty corners of our family room and fed them to me ... yummm!  This is a moment when you can honestly say, "It's the thought that counts."  

Despite the dirt infested Cheerios digesting in my stomach, I couldn't help but feel grateful to my little girl.  After all, she was just trying to help.  She could tell I didn't feel good, so she just did what she thought I would have done for her.  Empathy from a two year old is the best kind - so pure and so loving!  

Days 3-4: Mud Puddles

Life caught a hold of me yesterday and today, so let me recap!  Yesterday was such a beautiful day that Hana and I had to spend some time in the great outdoors ... and by that, I mean the backyard.  The only good thing about our backyard is that it's fenced, but other than that it's a desperate landscape.  We do have a swingset ... that a tree fell on last Spring.  But there is a small herb garden ... that I forgot to water during the hottest month last Summer.  However, even if we had the most kid-friendly, landscaped, and fully equipped backyard space, nothing can capture Hana's attention like mud and sticks anyway!  

Usually, I am ready to head inside within about thirty minutes, carrying Hana back into the house kicking and screaming.  Yesterday was different ... I was different.  We played outside without ceasing for almost two hours!  We kicked around a ball for a good twenty minutes.  We hit the yard barn with sticks for about a half an hour.  We decided to jump for a full ten minutes, filling some of the time with yelling at birds.  We went nuts on that backyard!  

After all the running, stick throwing, rock gathering, ball kicking, yelling at birds, and jumping, Hana threw in the towel.  She placed herself by the backyard, telling me, "Ma, inside."  All the activity had worked on her appetite, and Hana was ready for some cheese, crackers and raisins.  As she sat at the table with me, the poor girl was so wiped out she that she had to lay her head on the table while she ate.  Snack time was followed by a long naptime.  Needless to say, we duplicated the whole sequence of events today and daddy got to jump in on the fun!

Day 2: I Spy

Today, I started to acknowledge how addicted I am to technology.  Most of us have a technology addition to some degree, but it usually only makes us feel mildly pathetic.  However, I started to realize that I'm not the only one affected by my phone and computer obsession.  Here's an example:

We started to feel the lunchtime grumbles around eleven, so I fixed Hana and myself a quick meal of quesadillas and canned lentil soup.  As we sat at the table together, Hana started throwing her lentils at the wall, which prompted me scold her and try to coerce her into eating them instead.

Lunchtime conversation can feel really one-sided with a toddler, which usually results with me bringing my laptop to the table to check my Facebook.  It's such a ridiculous cycle and I found myself almost there today.  I brought my phone to the table and was about to text my sister when I looked up and saw Hana watching me.  I know she is too little to pick up on everything, but something told me she was thinking, "Here it comes.  Pretty soon mommy won't be paying attention to me and I'll have to throw all my lentils at the wall to get her back."

That moment carried a lot of conviction for me.  I put the phone away and started playing our version of I Spy with Hana, which consists of me telling Hana, "I see something you don't see and it's a ...."  This is followed by Hana pointing to the object she feels matches the word, and cackling when she gets it right.  I guess lunchtime conversation with a toddler doesn't have to be completely one-sided, I can participate too.

Day 1: Still Water

The first day of my Such As These Challenge was such a blessing.  Josh was off from work today, which made the day even better.  Hana woke up at her usual 7:00a.m.  After a diaper change, we brought her back to our bed to cuddle and give us time to wake up a little bit.  But just after just a few minutes of cuddling, Hana was over it and onto the next thing, asking, "Show, show mickey house ... mik [milk]?"  In response to that undeniably cute request, we grabbed that baby up and started our day.  Josh set her up with some milk and her "show, show mickey" while I served up yogurt and raspberries on Eggo waffles.

I am a firm believer that mornings are probably the most important time of the day - they set the mood.  In light of that, I really want to make more of an effort to spend time in the Word every morning, even if it's just five minutes before we hit the door.  As Josh and I sat down with our Bibles, waffles and coffee, I started asking the Lord, "What is it that You want to say to me today?".  In that very same moment, I started thinking about our finances.  Worrying about finances lead to questions regarding my stay-at-home-mom status, which eventually led to me thinking, "So many women balance children, home and work in suck a seamless, healthy way ... what is my problem?"  In the duration of this sequence of thoughts, I found myself reading the twenty-third Psalm ... yeah, the one that's always read at funerals.  Omen?  No, answers.  Psalm 23 reads:

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord 
Forever.

What more do we need when the Lord, our Shepherd, is guiding us?  He guides our paths towards right relationships, shining His glory through us.  He guides and protects us through even our darkest moments of distress, anxiety and insecurity.  He heaps blessings on us, big and small, which we sometimes see and sometimes we have yet to realize them.  But, ultimately, we will experience His goodness and mercy all the days of our lives and into eternity.  Dwelling in the Lord is so much better than dwelling in my desperate moments of worry or insecurity.  When I think of my life with that perspective, I understand why God has guided me to this point in my life and continues to lead me.  Right now, His glory is revealed through loving my family in the way that He has asked me to, and He'll take care of the rest!