I am listening to one of my favorite songs by Burlap to Cashmere, Love Reclaims the Atmosphere.  This song speaks to me anew every time I hear it … and for that reason, you'll hear it loop on my blog media player.  I just heard the line, "I used to walk on water, but now I fan the flame," and it speaks exactly what I've been feeling today.  Some days I feel like a superstar - accomplished, eyes focused, patient, balanced; other days, I feel like all I can do is barely fan the flame in my heart to keep it burning.  On these days, I find myself asking, "Do any of my efforts even matter?"

For me, there is a definite division between dream-driven goals and purpose-driven goals.  Dream-driven goals aren't necessary to my life, but they are novelty and natural at the same time.  My dream-driven goals include to publish a book for children and to achieve reasonable livelihood from my art.  My purpose-driven goals hit to the very core of who I am, who God created me to be, and His lot for my life, such as mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and lover of Jesus Christ.  At times when these two states of being intertwine, it makes sense - but sometimes it just doesn't!  Nevertheless, my God-given precious lot trumps all.  What hurts is when I have a day where I feel like I'm not any good at ANY of it!  I don't think I'm alone in feeling like that sometimes, but in the midst of it I can tend to get a little (aka - a lot) melodramatic.

Despite all of the melodrama and emotional hiccups - one thing keeps me grounded, thankful and strong:

Photograph by Nigel Howe

And I know that despite how ineffective, unorganized, disconnected, behind-the-mark and unaccomplished I may feel at times - God knows my heart (Psalm 139), loves me ALWAYS (Isaiah 54:10), and only has precious blessings and good gifts in mind for me (James 1:17).  He never condemns me, never berates me and never thinks less of me.  He gives me a new day everyday and His promises to me are eternal and unchanging.  Not one person is exempt from God's unending, never-failing, all-encompassing, extravagant, honest love.  

Knowing all of this, I am immediately able to respond to my self-condemning questions with, "God sees everything I do and, to Him, everything matters."  It's all going to work out (Romans 8:28).  It's all going to make sense … eventually (1 Corinthians 13:12).  He's got it covered.

Porque Cristo Santo se glorifica dentro de mi ...

Picture found at amrigunawan.blogspot.com

Man, I found myself stuck in a really murky "wish pond" today!  Of course, not literally.  When I say "wish pond," I mean that I was being Debbie Downer times ten.  As I tracked down my daughter's dirty laundry from five different rooms in the house (she's potty training and loves the freedom of being able to take off her own clothes ...) I was sighing and thinking to myself, "I feel so ineffective ... I wish I could just do something."  Then memories from my young adult years entered when I traveled the world and lived adventurously, and I thought, "That's it!  I just need to take a humanitarian missions trip!"  So then, I asked God, "Lord, could this really be just the medicine I need?"  He promptly responded with, "Heck, no!"  And here's what God pursued to speak into my heart:

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galatians 6:9

I don't think I'm alone in these moments where I feel this way (at least I hope I'm not).  I think everyone has moments when they feel like they're just waiting for something to happen.  We feel stuck in monotonous jobs that leave our passions and gifts seemly lying dormant within us.  We feel ineffective in our faith when we just can't seem to find our place, purpose and ministry.  We feel weathered and aged when we struggle through a sickness we just can't seem to shake.  We feel emptied when someone we love leaves us for no fault of our own.  But should we just drop it all and take three months of "me time"?  Heck, no!  

While every day is a battle, it is also a choice.  I'm reminded of a song I learned when I lived in Puerto Rico:

Alabad a Dios cuando las cosas salen bien, que bueno es

(Praise God when things go well, how good it is)

Alabad a Dios cuando en la vida no hay problemas, que cosa bueno

(Praise God when life has no problems, what a good thing)

Pero yo le alabo desde mi quebranto

(But I also praise Him from my calamity)

Porque Cristo Santo se glorifica dentro de mi 

(Because Christ is glorified in me)

Some days I just have to belt this song out!  I start out feeling like Debbie Downer, woe is me, but by the end I'm saying, "Thank you, Jesus, for this moment!!"  Thank you, Lord, for the reminder to keep doing good and that He is good regardless of what life brings me!  God is the answer to all of our needs and He loves to lavish blessings on us in the most miraculous ways.  

If you're lacking money to pay your bills, 

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." Malachi 3:10 

If you're struggling with sadness,

"When the righteous cry out, the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

If you're confused about a decision you have to make, 

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5

If you're burdened with guilt over something you've done,

"If we confess our sins, [Jesus] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

If you're feeling lonely or unfulfilled,

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ." Philippians 4:19

If you're feeling overwhelmed as a parent,

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

My personal conclusion to all of this: I did something!  And it feels great to be effective in my own way!  As I swept up the countless cheerios from the corners of my family room and separated off the random small toys as I swept, I started praying for my friends.  Specifically, for friends from my past, who I never get a chance to see or talk to.  NO props to me, by any means!!  I hadn't thought of, let alone prayed for, these people in months, maybe even years!  What am I doing with my time?!  Oh, well - it's a new day and I've just been awaken from a sluggish sleep.  I'm just glad that I now feel thankful for where I am and what I'm doing!  Every day is truly a gift!